my exams are finally over! like FINALLY.
time for me to nua like siao and chiong dramas and more youtube videos of NEWS. :D
NEWS and tegomasu's songs are really nice you know!!
absolutely love those songs.
was addicted to them throughout the whole exam period.
listen to the songs to spur me on while mugging. ahahah.

during exam period, all the tv shows seemed damn nice.
now that exams are over, the same shows look damn boring!

plenty of stuff i wna do.
number one on my list, other than meeting frens and eating good food and exercising,
I REALLY WANT TO GO ECP AND ROLLERBLADE!!
like seriously!
ive been wanting to do that since the last holidays.

anw, later im gg to meet some jap classmates and we're gg to a karaoke to sing jap songs! :D

putting all the unserious stuff aside,
thank God for guiding me during the exam period and during my exams.
during cm2102 spectro apps paper it was really amazing.
i din have time to study for that paper cz one day earlier i had an organic chem paper.
ORGANIC CHEM IS FREAKING TIME CONSUMING I TELL YOU.
it took me SOOOOOOOOOO long to study that.
so i told God, i cant do this myself, i leave it in Your hands.
thank God that i took a much shorter time than i took normally to figure out the compound structures after looking at the NMR spectrums.
and i am quite sure that my compound structures were correct. haha.

oh and celia is out in cambodia doing OCIP now for the next two weeks.
shes damn zai lar, lidat also can.
weird to not have her around at home. hahhaa.

wah life sounds exciting. time to do some planning.
i wna have loads of fun and do alot of things that i wna do. :D

mata ne..

これに新しいの言葉が使おう。
たぶん、日本語の復習ね。

どこから始めるかな。。
最近(一週以内）、あまりうれしくない。
私も理由を知らない。
もうすぐ試験ね。
復習したいのノートはたくさんが、時間はちょっと。。
化学もとても難しい。。復習の要る時間が長い。。
どうしょうかな。。
私もちょっと疲れたの。

人々に会った時、話したくない。
皆はいつも　私の生活は最低って、隣の人の感じは全然知らない。
世界に自分がいるだけ。
隣の人は　疲れたって、全然関係がないだろう?
関係がないと思っているのは大丈夫よ。
悪い言葉と言うな!
世界はどんなところ？　皆はどんな人?
全部は何のようになった?

水曜日はオーラルの試験ね。
練習する時間は全然見つけない(｢見つける｣を使うかな）
今回私は絶対日本語に上手になるつもり!
絶対日本語の勉強が終わるつもりよ!
負けたくないが、何か心に力がない。
日本語にも、ほかの勉強にも、あまり自信がない。
今はバカみたいと思っている。

増田は本当にかわいいよ。
大好き!
いつも｢なんとかなるさ｣を聞いて、あの歌のコンサートビデオを何回も見て、
ちょっとうれしくなるね。
増田は私に「なんとかなるさ、心配はないさ、あせることないさ」と言ってみたい。
＝）

今の私はちょっとよくないね。。
誰か抱きしめたい!
気持ちがよくなるかな。

でも、何となく私はできるかも。

またね。。

dacapo '09 was a blast!
i think on concert day it was so much more well performed than any of our rehearsals.
the sound check at VCH on that day was ultimate cui-ness. hahah.
i guess everyone was conserving energy?
of cz there are still some ppl who tried to show off during rehearsal time and end up cmi during concert.
i thot ppl keep saying must conserve energy alr.
wel, in any case, i thot yamato was very nice!
but then again, i wonder if il still feel the same after i heard the recording. :/

sigh.
back to the mundane life of an NUS student.

mata ne..

i guess the hectic and emotional-breakdown-able week is finally gone.
thank God for the strength to face all those things by myself and yet learn something new at the same time.
sighs.

tuition has officially ended for 2 of my students for this week. yay!
ie, more time for myself, to catch up with my work especially.
looking at my CM2102 that i screwed up today, sigh. i really want to score well you know.
i want to achieve THAT level of understanding.
always seeing seniors like jason proclaiming the theories like its so part of them, like its so logical and all, makes me very very envious!
but then again, cz i had time today.
i nua-ed it all away!
WAHLAO.
and i have officially accumulated 3 uncompleted lab reports. zzz.
oh but thank God, i had a lab report that was supposed to be due today (tues), but i thot it was on monday and i panicked so badly cz i had a test on monday and i was praying and all.
guess what, the lab report isnt just NOT due on tuesday, the deadline is extended to next week.
THANK GOD!
upcoming org test, im gna conquer it okay.
seriously.
:/

and i feel quite contradicted gg to two places at the same time.
i really wonder if that is the right thing to do.
i am really pretty much enjoying myself over at the other place.
and.. i feel like im growing there, but not here.
damn. this is bad.

when i saw those tears of pain and sorrow, my heart really went out to that person.
theres just so much being carried onto the back, lots of pushing and self discipline.
so hard that it is no longer normal.
but everytime, when the pain passes, hurt is inflicted upon others.
i just feel that its very contradictory.
somehow theres this very weird feeling.
i know i shld support and help and encourage, but the way that everything is being given back, its like..
...
sigh i duno lar.
i wondered if its cz of the need to achieve that self satisfaction and the ego booster or sth.
yes, its painful for you, but its as painful for me as well.

you know uni life really just sucks that much.
oh and i had old frens catching up with me SO RANDOMLY in the past couple of days.
maurice msged me and adam msned me?
wahsehs.
make me miss jc life alot alot alot.
i want to go back.
and im surprised that my old fren ahkok still reads this stupid space. hahaha.
kok! -waves-
can you stop MIA-ing! i want to do proper catching up with you!
-pulls your bag-
haha.
I MISS JC LIFE!

mata ne..

i feel like i am forced to grow up the moment i took that up.

i am so glad that tuitions are coming to an end, for the moment at least.
cz their exams are all coming soon le.
two of them will have their papers this week.
i am praying for them.
they are hardworking, and i hope that their hardwork pays off.
cz 2 of them arent exactly very confident of themselves when they do their work.
and i hope that the upcoming exams will really boost their confidence.
sighs. theres just so much a teacher can do.

these few weeks arent gg too well for some of us.
someone is like slogging damn hard, having sleepless nights whether its due to insomnia or work.
i cant help but feel very worried and sim tia.
things happened, but forget what was being said.
i understand and i dont want to make things more difficult than the way it already is.
i just want it to be the same again.
i dont think you will see this but,
jiayou.
prayers work wonders.

i am forced to face situations that are much bigger than me.
its like a level 3 character trying to fight a level 10 monster.
sure die one.
theres just too many ppl to meet.
and i am starting to feel the cruelty of the society tearing me apart.
i used to wish that ppl would understand more.
and i once made a decision that it would start from me.
big dream as it may seem, but i tried all that i can to do it.
but,
with my strength and capability, i can only make that many ppl happy.
everyone has different comments, different opinions, and i have my set of values as well.
the kind of dilemma that i get caught into is not just 进退两难, two directions.
it comes in all directions.
and it gets so claustrophobic and frustrating that i want to tear it all apart and run away.
but i know that the consequences of doing that would be to land myself in a worser situation than i am already in now.
stop pushing me to grow older than my age.
stop forcing me to act falsely like the way you guys do.
i know that there is a difference between being fake and being polite.
and i dont live to make ppl happy and do the things you guys want me to do.
i finally understand the multiple faces that has to be created and put up in front of different different ppl.

i want to be myself.
i want to believe once again in the things that i am losing faith in.
please come back.
come back and give me hope again.

mata ne..

i am madnessly busy these days.
recess week just ended.
and midterms are up these two weeks..
i study org chem until i wna puke.
i feel so sick of it!
and tuitions are like madness cz the students are like having their exams soon.
and dacapo is coming up.
WAH MADNESS.
sigh i go back study le.

mata ne..

i didnt blog for so long, and suddenly now im like spamming.
i think its cz its recess week and i am free-r now so can blog more.
i just want to shout out that,

THERE IS THIS CERTAIN BASTARD IN MY LIFE THAT I WANT TO SCREAM AT AND KICK THE CHAIR AND THROW THINGS AT CZ OF THE WAY HE DOES HIS FREAKING JOB.

hello, ppl dont pick up responsibilities cz THEY WANT TO SHOW THE WORLD HOW GOOD THEY ARE.
and only when you think that way, ppl will be able to spot EVERY SINGLE MISTAKE that you make.
and everytime ppl spot your mistake, you will try to push the responsibility totally off yourself and put everything on others.
its cz YOU WANT TO TELL OTHERS THAT YOURE GOOD. thats why YOU CANT ACCEPT YOUR OWN FAULTS.
some more its not the grey area kind of faults.
its the OBVIOUSLY ITS WRONG kind of faults.
and STOP EXPLOITING MY FREE SMSES.
order me here and there BECAUSE i am HELPING you to do your work.
even better, i have ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSIBILITY in whatever you are doing.
so shldnt you be grateful that i am actually NOT ignoring you amongst my business?

sigh. what is this?
what is this what is this what is this what is this what is this what is this what is this what is this what is this what is this what is this what is this what is this?!

life sucks..

Dear God, please help me..

mata ne..

i went to CNL todayy.
yea altho din plan to, but somehow decided at 9.30am so just went over lo.
hmm.. i dont think i can compete with her lar.
not that its a competition in the first place..
but i just think shes really the one il choose if i were the person.
altho both of us are only like 2 years apart,
shes like a grown adult and im still like some little kid.
zzzz.
sighs.. if you know what i mean..
in addition, i just slapped myself in the face that day some more. zzz.
anw, another matter.
yea i know its just a paper.
but i dont like the attitude that he gave me.
no apologies, and still hint me that im overreacting.
its not the paper, its the attitude that i dont like.
the paper is not that impt.
you were supposed to do the task for me and you just irresponsibly tell me that you dont have it and just pretend that nothing happened.
and youre not gna be responsible for it.
whether its impt or not its up to me to tell you wad.
where got you tell me de.
ANGRY.
aiya i see so many things nowdays until i really very very sian.
i shld pretend harder not to care and not to be bothered.
take a more laidback approach, somehow i think it will work.
anw, i leave it to God to guide me.
the Lord refreshes my soul and guides me in the things that i will face.
=)
and phantom rocks.
after watching the movie on tv just now, and also after playing it for beautiful sunday concert. =)

Think of me, think of me fondly,
when we've said goodbye.
Remember me every so often -
promise me you'll try.

On that day that not so distant day
when you are far away and free,
if you ever find a moment,
spare a thought for me

No more talk of darkness,
Forget these wide-eyed fears.
I'm here, nothing can harm you -
my words will warm and calm you.
Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry -your tears.
I'm here, with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you . . .

Say you love me every waking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime . . .
Say you need me with you, now and always . . .
promise me that all you say is true -
that's all I ask of you . . .
yay happiness =)

i pray for protection, healing and sustenance.

mata ne

a few random things on my mind.

1) NUSWS had full house at esplanade on 13th Sept. :)
2) we din exactly play very well, tho i still loved the "all i ask of you" and "phantom of the opera" part of phantom.
3) i finally changed blogskin, but i anyhow le. cant be bothered.
4) i miss weixiang in band! :(
5) i can go CNL tmr but he is not online for me to ask!
6) i need to study and chiong all my chem.
7) recess week is finally here.
8) want to meet up with ppl like lirong and mj but i dont have the time!
9) hopes that someone forgets about the camp.
10) sick in the stomach cz of certain matters.
11) cant stand how busy her life is.
12) wants to rest!!
13) i havent bathe yet.
14) i want to set things straight.
15) wants to run away
16) i wished that i hadnt done certain stuffs.
17) wants to be zai at her studies :P

SIGHH. i hope the same scenario doesnt occur again.
Dear God,
please please DO NOT let it happen again.

mata ne..

okay i know i havent blogged in a million years, and my blogskin is screwed, but i dont have time to change it so il do it another day when im free.
but this is impt so il blog first.
IM PERFORMING WITH NUSWS AT ESPLANADE TMR!
ohmygoodness.
so cool lar!!
being able to perform at esplanade is any performer's wish.
its like how a writer publishes her first book, or how a singaporean student manages to enter into cambridge university (yea shueli. zz)
its a significant milestone can! :P hahaha.
okay i know i ulu.
anw anw, pls come if you can.
i know this is abit late.
tmr esplanade concert at 3pm-4pm, event is Beautiful Sunday, theme is "Yesterday, Once More."
repertoire is west side story,　翼をください, phantom of the opera, hey jude, yesterday, in the miller's mood, an american in paris.
=D
PHANTOMMMMMM :DDDDDDDDD
okok. anw this is on esplanade's website and i thot its quite cool.
so i shall print screen and blog the photo before it goes off tmr. =)

OKAYY.
time to do all the concert stuffs.
hahhaa.

mata ne..

hachimitsu to kuroba! (which means, honey and clover)
the 3rd drama that i chionged within the week! =)
theres something about jap dramas that make me really happy when i watch them.
whether they are good dramas or just average ones.
haha.
anw, i think honey and clover isnt really that nice.
its like quite sian in the middle, cz they are all stuck at their love triangles that are like looping like almost everyone on the street.
hahaha. okay no lar.
but that clique of 5, alr got 4 one-sided relationships involved, and one two-sided relationships that occured at different timings so end up also never tgt.
ie, by the time the guy like the girl, the girl dont like the guy alr. zzzzzz.
quite lame.
i dont like mukai osamu as mayama in this show.
he is a boring character that keeps refusing to let go of that older woman.
zzzzzzz.
but i love takemoto's (ikuta toma) stories.
like the part where he went on a bike trip that made me quite inspired and motivated about my studies too.
and i was really caught by one of the sensei's statements.
he told takemoto, it doesnt matter what your initial reason was for joining university, as long as it is not a reason that prevents you from moving forward.
haha yea. i also gave myself excuses for not being able to do well.
anw, yupp and im quite happy that he found a way out, and i am inspired to find my way out as well.
WOOTS!
がんばります！

in any case, i am now back in sch, gg for lessons as a YEAR TWO.
wahlao, damn sad leh.
but i am gg to try hard for my studies.
and i started to question myself,
what does it mean to truly understand?
when the lecturer told us to go back and think, and try to figure out whats so significant about the electron travelling at 1% of the speed of light when calculating the de Broglie's wavelength, i went back, stare at the qn, and i wondered what is the lecturer asking for.
just calc the wavelength la, whats with the significance. zz.
sigh.
"i understand" - does it mean to know what the lecturer is talking about, does it mean to make sense out of what the lecturer just said, or does it mean to truly understand all the history behind the concept and exactly how it works?
its the depth.
we know that knowledge cant be measured by depth.
but how deep is the lecturer asking for..
sigh.

all the ppl i am having fun with in band is leaving or had alr left.
i am really quite upset about that.
i cant stop them from leaving.
just that, band gets more sian without these ppl around.
and i dont know what to do abt that.
of cz, they got their own lives to lead.
and some ppl who didnt leave cz of some reason or another, they look so damn sian diao until i really duno what to do to help them be themselves in band again.
sigh.

i am quite sickk of the way a human works.
sighs.

mata ne..

this entry is dedicated to mj, my one and only twin.
dear, you know what this is about. =)
幸せになってください!

mata ne..

MEI CHAN NO SHITSUJI!
i seriously chionged drama these few days.
and i am feeling extremely happy about it.
cz both atashinchi no danshi and meichan no shitsuji are DARN GOOD SHOWS!
(oh btw, the 2nd son for atashinchi no danshi acted as horikita maki's older bro in hana kimi! :o)
in meichan no shitsuji,
there is mizushima hiro again!
yea yea the soushi from zettai kareshi etc.
i was damn shocked when i saw him.
cz i din expect him to be inside.
BUT HES DAMN COOL!
and hes smile had never been more stunning in the show. =D
i wanted to see more of mukai osamu (HAHA) tho.
BUT HE IS EVIL IN THIS SHOWWWW!!
and why did he dye his hair white!!!!!
saddeddd!!
and he is YAMADA YU's butler in the show!! なぜ？！？！？
i thot seigi no mikata was enough!!
seriously dont like the characters that yamada yu acted. and some more she got the scheming evil face.
だ・い・き・ら・い！
why put mukai osamu with yamada yu!! =(
i still think mukai osamu and horikita maki is GOOD. =)
and i recognise a few more faces like the oscar guy in hana kimi, and the hibari girl from the hibari four in hana kimi also.
and alot more ppl!
excited-ness. =D

atashinchi no danshi was about family, and it was a very heartwarming show.
i love it when the 6 sons quarrel and fight but end up standing up for each other, and crying for each other.
there are alot of scenes where it is happy this moment, and immediately the atmosphere changes in the next cz of somethings that happened.
its unpredictable, and i love that part about it.
there are alot of scenes in the show that is worth rewatching and to be remembered.
it has the same style as hana kimi, ie some things are rather ridiculous.
like the lawyer just pop of out nowhere all the time. HAHA.
but it has slightly more meaning than hana kimi.
=)
meichan no shitsuji has a damn ridiculous setting.
this damn nerdy girl called mei from country side going into a damn posh girls' school where every girl has a good looking butler looking after them.
then the butler literally does EVERYTHING for them.
superbly ridiculous. haha.
but the show is dark and scary!
cz shiori (yamada yu) is damnnn scheming!
and sadded shinobu (mukai osamu) has to do all the bad things for her! =((
but ultimately, it is a very good show.
love mizushima hiro's smile.
and meichan doesnt look too good in the show, but actually she is darn pretty!!
=D
and watching this show, my jap honorific form improved!
cz all the butlers use superbly honorific form to their mistresses.
かしこまりました！
おまたせいたしました！
ごきげんよ！
失礼いたしました！
=D

i am damn glad that i am watching jap dramas.
it keeps me from thinking of the things that frustrates me.
and i love the way jap dramas tell little stories and the principles of life behind the entertainment.
SUPERBLY ENJOYED WATCHING THE TWO SHOWS THAT I JUST FINISHED.
cant get enough of those shows. cant wait for the special epis to come out!
woots!
i shall make a list of jap dramas that i finished so far =)

mata ne.

atashinchi no danshi!
i just finished this drama.
its very nice!
i love it!
and i like sho alot.
altho this is like the 3rd show im watching with him in it.
in nodame he was the cello player with 3 gfs, then theres seigi no mikata where he was that magnanimous husband.
but hes extremely stunning in atashinchi no danshi!
=D
i also like satoru!
hes so kawaii!
i like the way he secretly crush chisato. =D
then he always fight with masaru!
masaru was the one who acted in hana kimi and can sense the aura de.
sooo cute!
oh yea and chisato is horikita maki.
i think shes more stunning in this show than in hana kimi also.
i love her smile lar, so pretty!!
hahha love the show, and i absolutely love the ending.
and i think sho and chisato is a good match. =))
cant wait for the special epi. that will take quite some time tho.
YAYYYYY.

but that show is probably the only thing that i am happy about right now.
its just, everything sucks 100%.
and i am feeling superblyy sian.
i think i got burnt out from last week.
and thinking back, i duno why im doing so much for nus' matriculation.
for that bunch of freshies who dont bother about my existence.
its just, running up and down between 2 ccas was extremely exhausting, and at the end of the day, i feel like i dont get anything from it.

ah, apologise for the pessimism.
i think band prac had been pretty sian lately.
and i feel even worse after each band prac.
i am not too sure if its just me or its really the atmosphere in band.
or maybe its good to be a normal member, minding your own business, not knowing all the inside stuff, and just plainly play music.

ppl can get THAT complicated.
i duno. im just very confused about my stand.
its just, as i get older, things around me get complicated.
and i wonder if i shld complicate my own thinking to better deal with the happenings around me.
but i love the way things are kept simple.
a line is drawn and i keep by it.
sometimes its like as if my lines are being drawn by chalk.
it always gets messed up somehow, and rather easily.

sch is starting soon.
and i am back to sch as a year two.
alot of mixed feelings, alot of worries, alot of uncertainties..
i am not too sure how to deal with them.
theres just so much i can do.. i guess leave the rest to God.
but im worried, nonetheless..

and again, theres just so much i can do as a human.
sometimes, like a cactus, to protect myself, i subconsciously hurt others.
i dont mean it, but i really need to back out of it cz everything was getting scary.
way too scary for me to handle.
and, sorry for being easily irritable recently.
with everything whizzing past me all the time, its hard to grab hold of everything, and it gets frustrating.

sometimes i wonder where is our band heading.
and i wonder where is my life heading towards too.
what in the world am i doing?
and im taking the full blow of all my probs myself.
i get so tired of trying to solve and recover from each blow.
sometimes i wish there is really somebody to 怖い物から守ってくれる.
i can hardly face all these straight on anymore.

生活は辛いね。
いくら一生懸命がんばっても、全部が悪くなる。
この気持ちは最低だ。
i have so many so many thots going on in my head.
and its impossible to blast everything here.
i need to set things straight.
i feel like a mess.
like a ball of yarn all tangled up tgt.
sigh.

守ってくれる?　助けてくれる?　そばにいてくれる?
私のために、泣いてくれる？

mata ne..

i am drained.
i am losing my voice.
i am stressed by module selection.
zzzz.

mata ne..