darn its. im very confused.

wel, in any case, ytd's perf was good musically, but lousy in entertaining the crowd.
and the organisers were pretty lousy as well.
my conductor got so pist off cz they cancelled fantillusion and hey jude from our repertoire CZ they let us perform 15 mins late at 7.15pm and we exceeded 8pm.
wasnt it supposed to be a 1 hour perf?
so they just sudd come up stage, stopped us from continuing, say need to put fireworks, said goodnight to the audience, and told us if we wna play we still can play.
riiiiighttt..
and they sent the cloud and sephiroth cosplay to come up during our FFX song and not the FFVII song.
like seriously, what are they doing?
aiya, long story lar.
working with them wasnt a very pleasant experience i would say, along with all the backstage stuff like visuals that werent able to be produced due to copyright issues etc.
abit sian eh, actually.
sudd i feel that its much better entertaining a crowd in a concert hall instead of at an event, and
an outdoor one some more.

and another two not so nice things occured right after that.
with ppl giving me negative comments after i did somethings.
it wasnt on purpose.. really.
i never wanted my actions to create misery or any form of trouble for others.
and i was very appalled when they just came so abruptly.
i dont mean it.. and i never thot that i could have overlooked those issues..
altho there was no way that i could have known these things would happen..

and.
having a christian friend nearby to give me encouragement whenever i need it is really very refreshing and overwhelming.
its like the words in the Bible are coming to life..
my life is in a huge mess.
and i need to pick myself up again.
sigh so emo.
:/

i am not perfect. but i constantly try to make everything as perfect as possible.
but i always find out that i am not anywhere near that.
haha i dont mean to be pessimistic, just that, it always feels better to be pessimistic and face a failure, than being optimistic and fall from all the way up there.
maybe i realised that, sometimes have to stop trying to focus so hard on making things perfect.
maybe knowing what the strengths and weaknesses are, and working on the strengths to make up for the weaknesses is a much effective approach...

i need to try harder.
try harder in the right way.

mata ne..

i am in a state of extreme confusion.
i had a pep talk till late last night kept me thinking.
but it didnt exactly work out.
cz i am still afraid, and i din know where to start.
you knw, i feel like im letting my frens down.. especially those who are trying to help me, encouragements and all.
i know.. first steps are always the hardest, and they are to be taken by faith.
but i din exactly find out where to take that first step..
i am very lost, i realised.
i cant find my way back to where im supposed to be.
everywhere looks the same, everywhere looks just as hopeless.
i really admire those who know where they are heading..
but
something new abt this pep talk was that.. it was really something very refreshing to hear.
maybe God was trying to speak to me.
i think for a very long time i have been trying with my own strength to do many things.
maybe i havent put my 100% faith in God..
maybe i have been looking to much into the worldly problems that i have long forgotten that God is bigger and much greater than anything i am facing.
maybe i shld really go and read proverbs and ecclesiastes again.
after i finish revelations.
but i still dont know whats my next step..
and yea.. its making me very emo..

life is as complex as you wna see it.
childlike faith.
dont be afraid to step into the water, and look forward to the sinking part. cz thts when you know God is there for you always.

trust me. these words are like ringing at the back of my head.
i know its true, and i am desperately wanting to experience and being able to make those statements like i really mean it.
like the way you really mean it.
and i dont mean to be still on my guard..
i am sorry if i have made you misunderstand some of my statements..
it might sound abit too harshh but i was trying to explain..
in any case, i think God has blessed me with a great friend.
in the midst of the ugliness of the world, you know that theres still someone who believes in the things that i am losing hope in.
and that is what i call, a real morale booster.
:)

mata ne..

im quite tired.. of wanting things to happen, of trying to make things happen, of trying to catch up with the things that are flying past me.
things just dont go my way at all, do they?
sigh.
zettai kareshi is darn cute, i cant stand it.
im like watching and rewatching the whole thing cz my sis and my mum are taking turns to watch the show.
the chinese dubbed version on channel u is disgusting.
haha.
well, at this moment i am having loads of fun in band.
i think its the company ;P
badminton session was woots!
i ended up squatting there and laughing like mad.
everyone was just hilarious, or shld i say just our court that is having the recre badminton rallying?
cz the other court they play until damn crazily tiring. haha.
=)
gtg slp.
tuition tmr morning.

mata ne..

ZETTAI KARESHI IS GNA BE ON CHANNEL U 11.30PM ON FRIDAYS! =D

anw, i was very tempted to blog last night at 1.30am but it was too late so i decided not to.
sigh, im busy, but i duno what im busy with.
meeting up with frens, doing stuff for both committees, meetings, band pracs, tuitions, just came back from overseas not long ago.. thats abt it i guess.
i dont understand why so much time have passed.

well, in any case,
our performance at ecp is confirmed.
the event is called FAM JAM Walk and Rock.
our repertoire is, Final Fantasy Xtravagenza, Pong, Tetris, Video Games Live Part 1 (Halo, Civilization IV, Kingdom Hearts), Video Games Live 2 (One Winged Angel from FFVII, Myst III Exile, Advent Rising Bounty Hunter), Hey Jude, Fantillusion, An American in Paris.
Pong and Tetris are both less than 2 mins long tho. and Final Fantasy Xtravagenza is 23 mins long T.T
we are the last item of the day, earlier in the morning there is some walk from another part of ECP which will be started by spongebob and patrick (HAHAH), and theres some guitar hero competition.
do come down and have some fun, breathe some fresh salty air at the beach.
haha.

just some scattered thoughts.
i like to read ppls' blogs, especially those who are good in their english and they start thinking and write about their thoughts or feelings.
its amazing how they put them into words, makes me jealous sometimes.
i can never write as well as they can. haha.
and i somehow feel that their statements sound pretty intelligent, esp those that are of few words but have profound meaning in them.
i feel quite inferior at times, like i can never present myself like they can.
and most of the time i just screw up with my own words.
ohwels. im just a jack of all trades.

recently, i like to listen to others present their opinions abt the things that they see.
i like to view things in another person's angle.
or maybe its cz,
recently i cant make up my mind abt certain matters.
i need to hear new points of view to help me decide on how to separate the gray areas.
anws.

i was playing bejeweled and i had this weird thought crossing my mind.
bejeweled is like our lives isnt it.
every choice we make at any point affects many other things.
sometimes we can chain a few thousands of points even tho its not in our plan to do so when we swap a particular jewel.
many times in life we make decisions selfishly, or ignorantly.
its either we cant be bothered how these decisions affect the ppl around us, or we choose not to think about the consequences.
or we just plainly dont realise how impactful our actions are on others.
i see my frens around me changing and learning everytime.
some learnt to be smarter, and come out stronger.
some turned out to be more stubborn, and come out weaker.
of cz, its their lives that they are leading.
i can only give my suggestions, and a helping hand.
moreover, i cant even be 70% sure that my point of view is the right one.
i guess i have to learn to let go.
why tell others tht they need to take certain actions when they arent gna listen?
i should just help myself first.
and i should just accept that ppl change, and theres no way i can bring the past into the present.

oh and yes i am feeling better from the time my life last crashed :P haha.
alot of thanks to the two who never left my side and are constantly encouraging me, stopping me from giving up.
i guess gloria will never be gloria without her friends.
=)

more admin stuff to complete.
i got to get back to work soon.
you know, sometimes im very worried that i am not doing a good enough job in the comm.
and i am afraid that ppl are afraid to tell me that.
darn its.
what am i doing with my life?

mata ne..

loads of things to blog abt.
nice and not so nice things.
bleah.

whoo, im finally back from church camp in batam.
i would say its a pretty new experience.
learnt alot alot of new things abt "growing in grace".
i thot i never felt so enthusiastic about God's word for very long le.
i am quite satisfied with the things i have learnt this time.
=)
oh and looking aft my two sisters werent too bad.
haha.

in any case, whatever that happened on the trip back on the ferry was like ultimate shit.
i really really really dislike them alot. (lets not use the h word)
alot.
they really do fit each other dont they.
scheming, bitchy, playful, bad examples, leading kids astray.
i hope they will just stop getting in my way.
i have avoided them through the past 20 years of my life.
what more do they want?
ARGHHHHHH.
the mre i think abt them, the more i feel like strangling them.
i shall get them out of my head this moment.

weixiang was soooooooooo nice ytd!!!!!
so 感动！
hes like, the nicest nicest.
ytd i had to rush straight from the arrival hall at harbourfront to nus for comm meeting at 5pm.
yea straight after i reached s'pore i had to head back to sch.
then i was a little worried cz jiexin already has 2 luggages to carry le. i cant possibly make her take the train and carry the 3rd one home also. and some more have to look after jiexi.(yes the 3 of us went for church camp by ourselves.)
so happened that weixiang was gg there to meet his friend at 4pm at harbourfront so he offered to send me to sch (cz we were having band anw) and i can put my luggage in his car too.
wahhh made him wait for so long i so paiseh!
then he sent me home after band.
thanks for picking me up from harbourfront and sending me all the way home! =)
omg!! yes yes il rmb the $1.50/2 min.
pay you back by installments. haha.
anw at comm meeting i couldnt catch any ball, i am sorry!! =(
i din know what they were talking abt =(((
i think cz maybe i too rush alr. then i wasnt there for the first part of the meeting.
=((
band was fun. i love phantom of the opera. =)

in any case, i made a discovery ytd.
and it made me feel very bad.
i never wanted anyone to be caught in a dilemma when they are helping me.
i always wanted ppl to be straightfoward, if really cannot just tell me.
i wont mind, i really dont.
its not like i cant do certain things by myself.
its just that, you will just relieve me from some trouble when you help.
i dont understand why it was never told to me.
am i that unapproachable to the extent that ppl dont dare to tell me that they wont be able to help me?
but i thot i always say, "if cannot just say okay."
after all the thinking i finally came to a conclusion.
never depend on others.
so that ppl wont ultimately get unhappy with me cz they feel that they cant reject me when i ask them for help.
and so, i realise that certain smiles that ppl give are so fake.
underneath the smile is a bucketful of complains and unhappiness with you and what you do.
i was naive wasnt i?
i thot everyone else was as real as i am to others.

mata ne..

ytd's band prac made me quite happy. haha.
partly cz i could sightread "an american in paris" without much prob.
ah yea i know its easy, but i really a very bad sightreader so its like quite an accomplishment for me.
haha.
i realise im a very bad multitasker when it comes to sightreading.
i cant count and read the notes and press the valves all at the same time.
i shld concentrate more when im sightreading.
sucks.
anw, band prac made me quite happy also cz i made a couple of new friends in band recently.
the exco is starting to warm up to each other (at least i think so :/), and a few random ppl whose names i recognise before their faces.
haha.
anw..
im half sick and tired.
my brain is not functioning properly more than half the time.
i realise i cant react as quickly as i usually can.
my brain lags when im giving tuition, writing minutes, etc etc.
semi conscious.
in other words, damn blur.
ppl ask me things im like, huh? and i give an answer to the best of my ability.
but after that i thot i din really make sense?
i duno lar.
eh, you read this entry then you will realise le.
like im half talking nonsense.
oh and i read ppls' emails, esp the more complicated ones, i can read 2, 3 times and i still duno what they are talking abt.
then i gave up and close the window.
read it another day.
sigh.
okay nvms.
band dinner tmr.
lets hope it will be fun.
=)
im sick, tired and drained T.T

mata ne..
(eh i wrote too much email le. i almost signed off this blog entry with my name T.T)