on the last day of the year 2009, i will still proclaim that my life sucks.

see you next year thens.
another sickening year.

mata ne..

oh yay merry xmas!
or maybe im not supposed to say that since pastor doesnt approve of it.
sigh.

anws, i can hear mini fire crackers at 12am just now. haha. yea its 12.03am now.

and im still coughing, and my nose is still blocked.

my room is still in a mess and i havent studied for jap placement AGAIN.
life still sucks.

but im glad that my family had our usual nicely prepared dinner on xmas eve.
its damn cool to see good food all on the table, placed nicely. =)
the good are all very well prepared you know.
so pretty some more.
and i thot the christmas choir biscuits that i baked looked damn cute.
seriously.
okay, me and bethia baked. :P

honestly, i really like the christmas atmosphere.
i love the way the xmas carols keeps ringing at the back of your head, on almost every tv show/movie on channel 5, and on radio.
i love the way ppl go around crazily doing last min xmas shopping, and inside their big bags are presents nicely wrapped with coloured wrapping paper.
i love the way the ppl gather around and have fun and games (please exclude the alcohol and getting drunk part. and this only came into my picture after i entered uni. zz), the wonderful fellowship that ppl have with each other.
i love the way ppl gather around and have good food. look at the giant turkeys and ham and log cakes.
my family used to put up the xmas tree until we got too lazy to put it up anymore. i love the way the tree lights up and shines in the dark nights.
i love the way when we woke up in the morning and go to the xmas tree, my mum would have left our prez there and we can open them.
i rmb having stockings when we were even younger. =)
i love the way the shows on tv that tries to spread the xmas spirit are all so heartwarming.
i love the way everything looks so white and red and green. wonderful clean, but cheery colours.
and il especially love it if it was snowing, but ohwels.
sigh, but once xmas is over, i can totally feel the atmosphere dying off..

many ppl have the misconception that Jesus was born on xmas day but that is very wrong.
perhaps to put it in a nicer way, it is for ppl to rmb that Jesus died and rose from the dead to save us.
but to be more strict, xmas has got nothing to do with Jesus or Christianity.
OHWELS.
i still very much like the xmas atmosphere cz it makes me feel warm and cuddly inside.
and sometimes i wish i could share that with my frens.

but then again, one week after xmas would be the new year and that is something very dreadful to me.
do you know how much a new year sucks to me?
which then again brings me back to the topic about xmas.
like i said before, xmas had nothing to do with Christianity, thts why i always found it quite weird when ppl say, "oh i am not a Christian, i dont celebrate xmas".
i always thot xmas was a time for ppl to gather tgt, a little like chinese new year style, just in a more gentle, heartwarming and less aggressive style.
a time for everyone to do a little thanksgiving for the year, since it really sucks to be counting your blessings on new year's eve cz another dark and threatening year is looming ahead.
im saying this despite me being a christian myself.
i never understood why ppl reject so violently when they are asked to come for a thanksgiving session in my church since it was nothing preachy about our thanksgiving session.
i just wanted to share tht heartwarming gathering with ppl on xmas day, where i have the impression that ppl share hugs and prez, and enjoy good food.
i always loved the family, homely feeling.
i guess its what the OTHER churches do, that ppl actually generalise my church with.
but then again, my church tends to be so "special" that even some christians themselves dont understand why my church is the way it is.
wel in any case, i still wna clear the misconception that XMAS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH CHRISTIANITY.
its just another wonderful day (or could we say, excuse) for ppl to gather around and share good food and experiences of the year with the ppl that they havent seen for long, and enjoy the wonderful atmosphere of giving and sharing.
so go on, celebrate! take this chance to love the ppl that you have forgotten to love during the year.

i really feel quite sad for those ppl who have never experienced this before.

sigh.
back to myself and my daily life.
life still suck doesnt it.
i feel like im trapped in a maze, the harder i try to get out, the closer i get to the heart of the maze, feeling more trapped, claustrophobic and stressed.
i wish i could just sit down, hug myself and wish for the bushes of the maze walls to die of dehydration or something.

inside this humongous, dark room, i sit in one corner, squeezing my eyes shut, hugging my legs to myself, hoping for something to happen.

i want to get out.

mata ne...

im spamming blog posts. haha.
did i mention that the hairdresser cut my hair too short? DARN.

anw, i still have this humongous load of thots that is stuck in me and its bothering me quite abit.
its just generally not making me feel as secure.
insecurity level - 99%.
i am feeling VERY SIAN VERY SIAN VERY SIAN.
nothing that i do gives me a sense of satisfaction actually.
i feel like im running up and down day and night, and i cant seem to do anything right.

somehow a small part of my mind is still stuck on band camp.
i really thot it was nice for someone to ask me to do things tgt, cz i am usually the one doing that to other ppl.
honestly, not to make it sound weird, but i enjoyed that feeling alot.
partly cz i really dont like to be alone, and it felt good to have someone to stick to.
maybe cz the past semester, i was thrown to be by myself during non-lesson times, and i really missed the feeling of having a confirmed friend around to eat with etc..
but, i think the next sem is gna be worse.
im not just gna be alone during break, il most probs be alone during lesson times too.
yea, i dont have module buddies next semester, and i am feeling very insecure about it.
:/
but then again i wonder how long is this temporary sense of security going to last in band.
for reasons that i dont really wna speak of, i think i really need the company in band.
actually, in school during lessons too...
please do not leave me alone! haha.

i am feeling sick. literally. zzzz.

sigh..
life does suck, doesnt it.
why am i stuck here?

mata ne..

my results were the best so far..
but, not good enough. hmm.
SIGH.

but i still thank God for everything.
i couldnt have done it w/o Him.

eh.. and im falling sick. zzz.

mata ne..

sigh...
band camp just ended.
it was fun, wasnt it?
tho there was just too much drama for me to take it. hahha.
not that i disapprove, just that it gets a little annoying to watch at times.
i mean, just keep it to yourselves lar.
dont do it in front of 40 ppl.
zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
anw, thanks to a buddy who was always nearby.
it felt good to have someone nearby almost throughout the camp. hahha.
=))
in fact, it felt very good.
and thanks for coming to look for me too.
i thought i was the one always looking for someone to stick with.
sigh.

life sucks.
dont worry, i hate myself too.
i cant seen to find that balance point in my life.
and i am uber sick of analysis after analysis.
i hate giving so much thought into it, and getting no conclusion.
i just cant be bothered to think anymore.
wel, in any case, i am losing grip of my life. again?
sigh.
im making it sound in a very matter of fact way, and non chalent.
well done.

had our annual bbq session with the nyjc study group peeps again.
3 year le. i hope it goes on.
somehow, seeing them doesnt make me feel like my life is so screwed up.
i dont feel so loserfied around them.
and i seem to rmb how i used to be, how i used to think.
how things didnt used to be so complicated.
and everyone was still simple.
i hope everyone will just continue to keep that side of themselves facing each other.
we wont have to put up false faces like how we put it up for others out there.

it sucks lar.
tmr need to buy xmas prez for kok and shichie.
die alr i tell you.
so far i only bought plastic bags. zzzzz.
and i wna exercise.
damnits.

i am indulging myself in NEWS videos and songs.
damn cool lar~
i wonder how their real person would be like.
i mean, they can depict themself as cool on screen, but how are they really like underneath?
but in any case,
yamapi is too cool for me.
kei chan is damn funny lar, and i like the way hes so charismatic.
shige is super cheeky. the way he does embarrassing things is funny.
ryo chan is uber cool yet kawaii at the same time. i still cant get over the video of the orange juice trick when he was so innocent and cute when he was much younger. hes still like a little kid!
tegonyan turned out to be cuter than i used to think he was. his singing rocks, and he looks so pretty dressing up as a girl. and hes damn sweet =) hahah.
massu is still my utmost fav. i love the way he makes himself look so loserfied for others to laugh at. haha. his massuperman was damn cute. his smile is adorable and his laugh is super funny. and his dancing rocks. totally.
sigh.
that is like a totally different world that i am not in. ohwels.
watching from afar.

SIGH.
what kind of person do i want to become?
what kind of person am i becoming?
i get whacked by ppl for doing something that i didnt intend to cause any trouble with.
its not like i purposely wna say something bad to you right.
i mean, i know it when i purposely try to throw some sarcastic comment.
aiyaaaaaa.
why does ppl judge by their feelings?
how right is right?
how wrong is wrong?
how much can you take? how much can i take?
my standards and yours are different.
so are we supposed to say that one is right and the other wrong?

做事要看人。
每一个人都是不一样的。
so dont condemn me if i dont know you well enough.
its not like you know me well enough either.
if you cant be bothered, why should i?
and since i din condemn you, why did you do it?

in other words, why cant we just leave the ppl around us alone and not make their lives suck?

random thoughts all over the place.
i guess i just need an outlet.
to randomly throw thoughts around.

despite how good a fren is, i ought to depend on myself.
afterall, i am the one leading my own life.
i call the shots, and i decide how i want my life to be.
and therefore, i have to solve my own probs and make my own decision.

do you know how much life sucks?

oh and did i mention that i am running out of money and im panicking?

mata ne..

yes exams are over.
and now i have to deal with non-academic problems that are 100 times worse than academic ones.
you know i have absolutely not hated someone so much to the extent that i can use the word HATE.
no one, i repeat, NO ONE, amongst the ppl i knew had irked me so much that the sight of him disgusts me.
ULTIMATE DISGUST.
everything that he does and every word he speaks makes me feel sick right down to my stomach.
and its bugging me like some mental illness.
can i be a chem geek and use a chem analogy?
its a potential wall with a potential energy of infinity which i will never ever be able to cross.
will i ever have the wave-particle duality function illustrated by the schrodinger equation which will allow me to tunnel through?
or am i forever gna be quantised in this space?
it just makes me reflect on how much God loves me and wonder why He does.
how does He even stand me when i as a sinner CANT EVEN STAND THE SIGHT of another sinner.
i cant stand him i cant stand him!!
i want him to disappear out of my life.
and to have him working under me and over me at the same time ABSOLUTELY SUCKS.
neither way is better than the other.
and to have both at the same time, HAH. my life is ruined.
i really really really am very pist off.

and the other one.
WONDERFUL.
when i say that something has to be done, he doesnt want to.
fine with me.
i have done what i could and if he doesnt take it, not my problem right.
but when the girl that he likes says the same thing, OH WOW.
singapore just snowed.
it was a WONDERFUL MIRACLE wasnt it.

sacarsm x100000.

sometimes i just wished there wasnt so much ugliness in this world.
even i am ugly and lacking and i really hate myself sometimes.
to the extent that i really really really cant be bothered nowadays.
i cant be bothered to know what is happening in other ppl's lives cz they arent interested in mine anw.
okay fine, that is quite an unfair statement cz i know i still have friends by my side thinking about me every now and then.
but at this point right now, all i can say is that i do not have the capability to try my very best for people and the expectations they have of me, like how i used to do so.

there is nothing that i can give to people from my empty pockets.
oh God, please fill me now.

the world is just as complicated as i want it to be.

mata ne..

my exams are finally over! like FINALLY.
time for me to nua like siao and chiong dramas and more youtube videos of NEWS. :D
NEWS and tegomasu's songs are really nice you know!!
absolutely love those songs.
was addicted to them throughout the whole exam period.
listen to the songs to spur me on while mugging. ahahah.

during exam period, all the tv shows seemed damn nice.
now that exams are over, the same shows look damn boring!

plenty of stuff i wna do.
number one on my list, other than meeting frens and eating good food and exercising,
I REALLY WANT TO GO ECP AND ROLLERBLADE!!
like seriously!
ive been wanting to do that since the last holidays.

anw, later im gg to meet some jap classmates and we're gg to a karaoke to sing jap songs! :D

putting all the unserious stuff aside,
thank God for guiding me during the exam period and during my exams.
during cm2102 spectro apps paper it was really amazing.
i din have time to study for that paper cz one day earlier i had an organic chem paper.
ORGANIC CHEM IS FREAKING TIME CONSUMING I TELL YOU.
it took me SOOOOOOOOOO long to study that.
so i told God, i cant do this myself, i leave it in Your hands.
thank God that i took a much shorter time than i took normally to figure out the compound structures after looking at the NMR spectrums.
and i am quite sure that my compound structures were correct. haha.

oh and celia is out in cambodia doing OCIP now for the next two weeks.
shes damn zai lar, lidat also can.
weird to not have her around at home. hahhaa.

wah life sounds exciting. time to do some planning.
i wna have loads of fun and do alot of things that i wna do. :D

mata ne..