my maths and my chem is screwed.
i really dont know how to say this.
cz i know if i say all these, you will think that its either my expectations are too high or you will just empathise with me.
but really.
im screwed.
i dont dare to go look at the papers again.
what i know now is alr bad enough.
i dont know what i will see if i look into the papers again.
im afraid that il spot more mistakes.
im afraid that il see the careless mistakes and feel gek all over again.
im afraid that il realise if i were to be given more time, il be able to do that qn.
im afraid to see the qns that i dont know how to do.
im afraid that i sudd know how to do the papers aft i revise it.
both papers are now hidden in my file.
i dont wna touch it.
not even see it.
and i really dont know how to feel abt the papers now.
haix.
i really really want to promote.
eh.
i mean, who doesnt.
but i really cannot take it if i were to retain lar.
haix.
i shall stop it.
tday aft the papers, we all went to serangoon gardens the chomp chomp there to eat.
met wanteng there.
haha.
when we reached sch, regi played her monkeybars as usual.
then we joined her and play also.
haha.
then wee chong was tryin to pretend that he can skip four, five bars at a time.
he did it by "swingin" on the shorter monkey bars.
cz he tall enough then can walk while "swinging" lar.
hahah.
then i video cam-ed him.
so he was swingin.
once, twice.
then he bumped into kok.
haha.
then kok made the "arf" sound and regi's "haha" came next.
haha.
okok.
it sounds dumb describing like this.
wna know what happened then tell me.
i show you the video.
then wanted to go back and mug de.
in the end, we ended up playin bridge.
as in, kok, yongde, chester and me.
and the rest?
they wrote a crap story for kok lar.
haha.
got the eyeballs and anna and erps.
alot of crap.
ahha.
damn farnie.
tracy got a lot of rubbish one lar.
ahha.
so we went home not doing much.
ohwels.
im screwed anyways.
haix.
i know.
empathise again, right?
when can someone actually help me and get me out of this situation?
probably no one.
im left here to help myself.
argh.
i shant rant abt exams anymore.
it wont make the situation better.
moreover, rantin makes me feel worst now.
so i shall stop.
haix.
the papers are so demoralising and discouraging.
DEMORALISED.
haix.
anws,
i really dont know whats happening.
whats wrong with me!
ive been tryin to avoid and stop it.
tried to convince myself.
bring my mind away.
but i just cant.
it gets back to me, all the time.
shit.
i dont like it.
later i fall into another hole, another trap again.
then il injure myself.
i dont want history to repeat itself again!
and moreover, its me.
and my prob.
its just abt ME alone, no one else is related to this.
its my paranoia.
i shld stop it.
i want to.
but i cant.
whats wrong.
it seems different this time.
but.
haix.
i dont know.
i really dont.
as time passes, i feel that i dont know myself more and more.
or rather,
ive lost control over myself.
and i cant tell anyone.
cz im afraid if i were to say, the same chain of events will happen again.
and i wonder what will ppl think abt me if i were to say.
haix.
why is this happening to me?
again and again and again.
im sick of it.
haix.
alrites lar.
tmr studyin with them in sch again.
haix..

emotional. big time.
drag me into the sea and drown me.

jya ne..