if i am that screwed up, then i see no point in working so hard.
im lousy in maths.
im lousy in chem.
im lousy in playing the horn.
dont say i think too much cz its the teachers that said that okay.
if my maths and chem is lousy, then what is my physics?
even worst.
i cant do anything sia.
theres no focus in my life anymore.
cz theres so much to focus on that, its not called focusing anymore cz im 'focusing' on so many things.
ahh whatever.
maybe its not abt receiving and satisfying my needs.
maybe its abt giving.
okay nvms.
im fighting against myself.
im fighting against every obstacle that has come my way.
no one knows this feeling.
when the world is crashing down on you.
when everything fails.
when almost nothing goes well for you.
when there is practically no reason for you to move on.
ah i dont care.
cz no one does anyway.
im sorry.
emotionally traumatized.
sorry for putting so much attention on myself and not on the ppl around me.
sorry for not looking out for anyone of you.
sorry to be constantly wallowing in self pity.
sorry for being self indulgent.
il try harder to move away from my own self indulgence.
really.
haix.
sometimes, i can be trying and working so hard for what i want.
yet, i dont get it.
what exactly is wrong?
exactly which kind of life test am i gg thru?
how long will this take?
whats the point of working so hard for sth that i cant get?
maybe im the one who will not be able to make it.
perhaps what ive been living in is pure illusion and deception?
what is not mine, will never be mine.
the harder i try, the harder i fall, the greater the injury.
so, dont try at all.
every minute, every second.
something slips away, out of my hands, out of my control.
im losing everything that i have.
mata atode..